Tom Brady ripped by Bill Belichick, Kevin Hart, former Patriots teammates during roast

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They certainly didn’t throw any punches.

In a live show on Netflix that lasted more than three hours, a Tom Brady roast spared no joke at the expense of the seven-time Super Bowl winner. Everything from his divorce from Gisele Bündchen, Spygate, Deflategate and Brady’s relationship with Alex Guerrero were on the table.

“Before I joined the New England Patriots, we heard about Spygate. When I left, we heard about Deflategate,” Randy Moss said. “So I just have one question for you, Tom: ‘Why the hell didn’t we cheat while I was there?! I wanted to cheat too. My kids always ask me, “Dad, why does everyone have a ring but you?” Do you know how hard it is to look your kids in the eye and say, ‘They just don’t trust me enough to cheat’?”

A wide range of former teammates and comedians spent a few hours trading barbs with each other, but especially with Brady.

“A lot of people assume I have a lot of animosity toward Tom Brady,” Drew Bledsoe joked. “So I’m here tonight in front of millions of people to tell you: They’re right.”

And then, toward the end of the night, Bill Belichick, the ultra-serious, rarely joking former head coach of the Patriots, was crushed with a 10-minute set.

“People have said it: Tom and I clashed a lot,” Belichick said, setting up his joke. “And in a way that was true. But it was hard to clash with Tom because he was so far up Alex Guerrero’s ass.”

At first, Brady sat cheerfully and tried to laugh off the brutal (and often unforgiving) jokes – even though there were some awkward moments. Here are some highlights of the roast.

Jokes from Brady’s Former Teammates (and Belichick)

Moss: “Even though we didn’t win everything, I still got everything I wanted because I got to play with the best quarterback that ever lived. And for three years – it was a short time – we scared the entire National Football League. Tom, you’re still my quarterback, even though you didn’t want me to be your accomplice.

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Bledsoe: “There were rumors that coach (Bill) Belichick was going to be here tonight. It turns out he has some time on his hands. At least when I got fired, someone else wanted me.”

Belichick: “I’m honored to be here for the Roast of Tom Brady on Netflix. Not to be confused with Bill Belichick’s roast in the 10-part Apple TV series.”

Julian Edelman: “Alex Guerrero is the snake oil salesman who turned Tom into a complete weirdo.”

Rob Gronkowski on the similarities between Brady and Belichick: “You’re both hard asses who hate fun. You both live and breathe football. Neither of you are married anymore. You’re both even divorced from football – and you both take all the credit for the dynasty.”

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Best one-liners from the comedians

Comedian Jeff Ross: “Tom was drafted 199th in the NFL draft. He sat there waiting and waiting for days and was finally picked in the sixth round when Bill Belichick’s dog accidentally stepped on the keyboard.

Nikki Glaser: “You have seven rings – well, eight now that Giselle has given hers back.”

Some awkward moments

It wasn’t all laughter. It seemed like Brady realized pretty quickly that this wasn’t going to be a light-hearted, good-natured comment. That started with Kevin Hart’s opening monologue, which was full of jokes about Bündchen and her new boyfriend, who has a background in jiu-jitsu.

But perhaps the most awkward moment came after Ross made a joke about Robert Kraft and massages. Then Brady stood up from his seat and appeared to say to Ross, “Don’t say that again.”

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Belichick’s roast

The best set of the night probably goes to Glaser, although Belichick’s performance was great and appealed to everyone from comedians (joking that Hart can’t say no to an opportunity) to the highlights of Danny Amendola’s career (which is “what Randy calls a decent scoop would mention). half”) and, of course, Brady (“Really, Tom, why are all these people so hard on you? Do you miss me?” Belichick joked.)

With Belichick back in the ranks, he opened himself up to criticism, including from Edelman, who noted that for years Belichick said in team meetings that players at Foxboro High School could have done what the Patriots messed up.

“(Now) Foxboro High is the only job offer you have,” Edelman said. “…Doing your job? I need a job more, coach.”

Robert Kraft’s jokes

With the rift between Kraft and Belichick known, the Pats owner thought he would do something about it quickly when he grabbed the microphone while Belichick sat next to Edelman on stage.

“Like many family reunions, there are some people here that I’m desperately trying to avoid. Coach Belichick, good to see you,” Kraft joked.

Then he turned to Brady’s upcoming purchase of a stake in the Las Vegas Raiders.

“Tom, good luck buying the Raiders,” he said. “They already did your favorite thing for you: They got rid of Jimmy Garoppolo.”

How did Brady cope with the roasting?

Finally, at the end of a long night of some cheeky jokes, Brady cracked a few jokes of his own as he showed off a cocky version of himself to go with a roast.

He said Gronkowski was a great tight end for the Patriots – “Though the bar for Patriots tight ends was pretty low at the time.” He joked that the NFL could have saved the $20 million it spent on Deflategate “and I would have just told you I did it.” And Brady added that he’s trying to buy a stake in the Raiders because, “I’m tired of only owning the Colts and the Bills.”

Ultimately, Brady turned to Belichick, the coach with whom he had a turbulent relationship.

“I’ve been out of the game for a minute, so I’m curious,” Brady said, “how many Super Bowls have you won since I left?” … When I go to the Indy 500, I don’t ask, ‘Hey, who gassed your car.’

Required reading

(Photo: Michael Tran/AFP via Getty Images)

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